Chapter
7
By Dr. Steve
Frisch, Psy.D.
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Let’s
Learn to Talk Things Out -
Perhaps the chaos so many of us
feel isn’t a problem but an opening.
-Stanley Phillips
Bridge-Builder’s Tip
Empowering your child to express their feelings will lessen the need to act those
feelings out.
Sophia
came running through the front door with tears running down her cheeks. She went straight
to her room, slamming the door, just in case her mom missed the fact that she was upset.
Sophia’s
mom went to her room, stood outside the door, put her ear against the door and listened to
the muffled sounds of Sophia crying. She then gently knocked on the door before coming in
to see what the problem was.
“I’m
never going to school again,” Sophia defiantly declared to her mother.
“What
happened, honey?” her mom asked.
“Benji
Horowitz rode his big wheel right over my head.”
“Not
again, Sophia?”
“Yes,
again! I’m not going back. You can’t make me!”
“Sophia,
I don’t want to make you do anything. Right now, I’m more concerned with how
upset you are,” Mom said while wiping Sophia’s face with a tissue she grabbed
from the nightstand.
“You
know, dear, you and Benji Horowitz haven’t been getting along for some time now. I
can see how upsetting that would be,” mom said as she rubbed Sophia’s back.
“I
don’t like him at all, Mom. That’s why I don’t want to go back to school. I
don’t want to have to ever see Benji Horowitz again.”
“Honey,
it must be awful scary for you, not knowing how to get Benji Horowitz to leave you
alone.”
“I
know what to do, Mom. Before he ran over me, I kicked him right in his leg.”
“Why
did you kick him, honey?” Mom asked.
“Because
he called me names. And you told me it wasn’t nice to call somebody names--remember,
Mom.”
“Yes,
I remember. Why do you think he was calling you names, dear?”
“I
don’t know.”
“What
happened before he called you names?” Sophia’s mom asked.
“I
pulled his hair, just like you told me to do,” Sophia said, beaming with pride.
“Honey,
I don’t remember telling you to pull Benji Horowtiz’s hair,” Mom said,
doing her best to fight back her smile.
“Yes
you did, Mom. Remember, you told me last night that I had to learn to stand up for myself.
So during recess today, I went over to Benji Horowitz and I said to him ‘Benji
Horowitz, you’re a big meanie.’ And then I pulled his hair, Mom, just like you
told me to.”
“Honey,
maybe, we better rethink our plan. I don’t want you to have to pull Benji’s hair
or kick him for that matter.”
“But
Mom...”
“No
buts, I’ve got a new plan that’s going to work. We’re going to practice how
to talk to Benji Horowitz so you won’t have to kick him and he won’t have
to run over your face with his big wheel.”
It’s
the most natural thing in the world for your child to do--acting out his feelings rather
than expressing them. Sadly, this oftentimes can be at the core of so much of the conflict
and hurt feelings that erupt between you and him. This dynamic is what oftentimes
interrupts the flow of your offering spirit connecting to his seeking spirit.
Follow
my logic for a moment. If your child isn’t practiced at or doesn’t feel safe
expressing his feelings, those unexpressed feelings will get acted out through his
behavior. It makes sense, doesn’t it? He needs a way of releasing what
he’s experiencing, he needs a way of expressing what he’s feeling. And so he
acts out.
There
are two ways he can act out what he’s feeling. He can smother his feelings by turning
inward--withdrawing and shutting down. As he puts his walls up, you feel more and more
shut out. You know how frustrating it can be when your child digs his heels in. Call it
what you want. Resistance. Disobedience. Willful misconduct. Getting him to tell you
what’s going on can be an impossibility.
You
know something’s up, but he’s not talking. It could be he doesn’t have the
desire to talk. Maybe he doesn’t have the language to express the feelings he’s
experiencing. But boy, oh boy, does he know how to act out whatever it is that’s
churning on the inside.
If
he doesn’t internalize what he’s feeling, then he’ll externalize them
through his actions. Inevitably you’ll become the target of his words and his deeds.
Never in a civil way mind you. Never, “Mom I feel angry with you,” or “Dad,
when you laugh at me, I feel humiliated,” or “Mom, when you say no to me, I feel
powerless.” Oh, if only that were the case, it would all be so much more simple.
Not
one of you has escaped unscathed. And you can turn your cheek the other way only for so
long. At some point, you’re bound to react to being treated like a human pin cushion.
Hey, you’re only human. Eventually, you’ll lash out, you’ll verbally strike
back. But you know as well as I that that isn’t a solution, merely a short-term balm
for what’s hurting you.
No,
just like Benji Horowitz and Sophia from the story above, when two people’s feelings
get acted out rather than verbalized, the emotional connection gets buried beneath the
resultant chaos. After all, how can you be there for your child when oftentimes you need
to tend to your own wounds inflicted by his unkind words and actions?
Entering
the world of your child, understanding, offering spirit, all can become trite phrases very
quickly. You’re good intentions will eventually give way to fear, hurt, and
powerlessness. Perhaps those feelings get buried beneath the anger that slowly consumes
you. You want desperately to reach your child, but you’re unable to find a way to
break down his walls. He doesn’t make it easy for you. At some point, you may even
lose sight of the fact that this is your child. No, he can begin to seem much more like
your tormentor. You want to be there for him, but things can turn adversarial quickly.
That’s
when the object of the game shifts from your offering spirit and his seeking spirit
connecting. Now the game is about who can defeat whom.
Well,
I’ve got some good news and some bad news. The good news is there’s an easy
solution to this stalemate. The bad news is you have to do most of the work. The solution
is creating a climate where your child feels safe verbalizing his feelings. If you place a
value on expressing your feelings, your child will become more skilled and feel safer
expressing his.
He
needs to learn from you. Until you place a premium on an emotionally expressive
relationship, he’ll never do so. He needs to learn that feelings can be safe when
expressed to a person who isn’t threatened by them being expressed. The more he sees
you express your feelings as well as observe others express their feelings to you, the
more he’ll come to trust the process I’m suggesting.
Freed
from the fear of what your reaction to his feelings might be, he’ll begin to
experiment with expressing his feelings to you more and more. As this happens, you’ll
notice two things take place. First, some, if not much of his acting out will lessen.
Second, your emotional bond will strengthen.
Therein
lies the power of encouraging your child to express their feelings rather than acting them
out. Less conflict and more connection. That’s the one-two punch that we’re
trying to create. More harmony, less struggle. It’s not a pipedream. You can create
such a relationship. But it all starts with a safe environment for emotional expression.
How
best to create a safe environment? You can make it safe for your child by monitoring your
reaction when he does express his feelings. If you pass his tests, and believe me, he is
testing you, then he’ll feel more comfortable expressing his feelings to you.
Here
are two tools--ways to monitor how you react. I’ve got one do and one don’t.
By using these two tools, you’ll reduce much of the acting out and at the same time
enrich your emotional connection with your child.
Bridge-Builder’s
Tool
Don’t
personalize your children’s words and deeds.
“That does it. I’m not going to tell you one more time. Get this room cleaned up
or else,” Tom shouted at his son Matthew.
“Why,
what’s the big deal? You don’t have to come into my bedroom. I don’t have a
problem with it, why should you?”
“Why?
You want to know why? I’ll tell you why! Because I said so, that’s why.”
“What’s
that suppose to mean?” Matthew sneered back at his father.
“Because
I’m your father and I’m telling you to get in there and clean up that room. If
you respected me, you would keep your room the way I want it kept. How about finding a
different way to tell me to go screw myself.”
How
often have you felt the sting of your child’s words or behaviors? How many times have
you felt stripped to the bone by their insensitive comments or actions?
On
the other side of the coin, how often have you used something your child has said or done
as some sort of litmus test for how much they love or respect you? How many times have you
chosen to interpret your child’s attitude, his words, or his deeds as an act of
betrayal against you and your family?
We
all do it, we personalize what is said to us. It’s the human thing to do. But how
well does it serve your larger goal of sustaining your emotional connection with your
child. There’s an inherent paradox when you personalize your child’s words and
actions. The times your child is acting out their feelings, the times you become the
target of his acting out, those are the times he needs you the most.
It’s
these times when he needs you to stay connected, not have the connection broken off. He
needs you to help him sort out what’s going on within him. Clarifying his feelings.
Helping him feel grounded. Ensuring his emotional safety as he gets out what he’s
feeling.
I’m
only going to say this once. I know that even as I tell you not to, you will. That’s
okay, but this is something you should aspire to follow more and more. Do not personalize
the actions and deeds of your children.
Don’t
do it. When you do personalize what is being said or done, stop it. You don’t get to
be part of the walking wounded with your child. That’s what you have a life partner,
a friend, a minister, or a therapist for. Go to them and be wounded. Don’t get me
wrong, you’re allowed to feel wounded, it’s just that your child can’t
afford the luxury of you acting out your emotional wounds on him.
I
know! I know! This is the most extreme example of something that’s easier said than
done. I promise you this will be the hardest tool for you to implement. Children
don’t play fair. They’re experts at playing hard ball. And you’re their
most obvious targets.
Now
when we were kids, we learned to play off other people’s comments by retaliating with
such gems as, “Sticks and stones may broke my bones but words will never hurt
me.” But hey, this is your child we’re talking about. Your hurt is not so easily
dismissed. You love them to death. You bust your ass to provide a life for them. You want
only the best for them. You’d settle for the tiniest scrap of appreciation, but not
only do you not get that, you get attacked for what you believe to be your best efforts.
Add
to all of this the fact you’ve got this psychologist whispering in your ear,
“Psst, turn the other cheek, they don’t mean it the way it sounds, rise above
the pain, you’re the adult, forget your wounds, you have to be there for them.”
Yada, yada, yada.
Well,
be angry with me. I wish I had something easier to offer you, but the truth of the matter
is, sometimes you’re going to have to take a bullet for the good of the team.
I’m advocating for your child right now. I’m telling you straight out, they
can’t afford for you to personalize their words and deeds.
I’m
also telling you, the more able you are to make it safe for them to express their
feelings, the less you’ll have to cope with their acting out those feelings. Let me
offer the following suggestions to make things just a little safer for them to express
their feelings to you.
It’s okay to say that what
they have said or done hurts you. It’s not okay to hurt them for hurting you.
It’s okay to tell them
that their words and behavior are inappropriate. It’s not okay to withdraw
emotionally and physically because of their inappropriateness.
It’s okay to tell your
child how their words and actions affect you. It’s not okay to punish them for
expressing the feelings that they have expressed to you.
I
know what I’m asking of you is hard, but at the same time, what you and your child
stand to gain by applying this tool is immense.
Bridge-Builder’s
Tool
Honor rather than argue with your child’s feelings.
“What
do you mean, you don’t want to try out for the basketball team?” Alan’s dad
asked in a ridiculing tone.
Alan
dug in. “I’m afraid to try out. I don’t want to put myself through all of
that.”
“What
kind of excuse is that?” his dad asked
“It’s
no excuse. I’m telling you I’m afraid and that it’s not worth it to
me.”
“When
I was your age, I lived for the basketball season. I got so much out of being on the team.
It taught me teamwork. It taught me how to compete--you know the thrill of victory and all
that crap. And your mom, think how proud of you she’d be.”
“Dad,
I don’t care about any of that stuff. That’s your life. What’s that have to
do with my life?” Alan asked.
"It’s
just that I always hoped that you would love playing ball as much as I did,” Dad said
somewhat wistfully.
“Dad,
you’re not listening to me. None of that stuff interests me. Don’t you get it. I
never liked sports. It was always you dragging me off to all the games. I never wanted to
go.
“I’ve
told you over and over how I feel about sports. I’m no good at them. All I do is get
made fun of by the guys. I don’t want to play.”
“But,
what about...”
“Dad,
what about if you just let me not like sports, what about that?” Alan shouted as he
stormed out of the room.
Alan’s
dad would say that he only wants what’s best for Alan. Dad would say that he’s a
better judge of that than Alan, after all Alan’s too young to know what’s best
for him.
Sadly,
all Dad would have to do is take the time and listen. Sometimes, knowing what’s best
for your children comes from being able to hear and more importantly honor the feelings
your children express.
Don’t
get argumentative with me just yet. I’m not saying you should raise your child based
upon whatever feeling they happen to express to you at any moment. Keep your eye on the
ball. What we’re doing is developing skills that will better able you to enter the
world of your child in order to enrich that special emotional connection.
With
that as a goal, honoring your child’s feelings is a sacred path to achieve that end.
It’s easy enough to understand why that’s the case. Honoring your child’s
feelings gives your child room to be themselves.
“So
what?” you may be wondering to yourself. “What’s the big deal about them
having room to be themselves? All I want is some peace and quiet. I don't want my every
word challenged.”
This
can very easily become one of those win-win situations.
By
honoring your child’s feelings, she doesn’t have to fight you for the right to
have them. Do you get what I mean? If she feels like it’s okay to be afraid of trying
something new or that it’s okay to be adventuresome and try something new, she
won’t have to fight you for the right to have those feelings about that experience.
If you’re not trying to take away her fear or joy for risk taking, then she
doesn’t have to fight you to have them.
Make
sense? In the story about Alan not wanting to play basketball, do you see how Alan has to
fight his father to not have to like sports, more importantly, to not have to live his
life like his father lives his life?
Clearly,
Alan’s father has his own agenda going for Alan. He has no interest whatsoever in
Alan’s feelings and so therefore they clash.
Imagine
what their relationship would be like if there were five other points of conflict just
like the basketball try out. Alan would feel unheard, misunderstood, resentful, and
ultimately, rebellious. Dad would feel wounded. Dad would continue to pressure Alan. Alan
would continue to resist Dad’s pressure in obvious or subtle ways.
Now
imagine what things would be like between the two if Dad let go of his agenda for Alan.
Alan would feel validated, listened to, and honored. He would be able to feel and act more
loving towards his father. Dad would be able to experience the joy of watching Alan grow
into who he was meant to become, not shaped into what Dad wants Alan to be.
And
the emotional connection between the two? Loving, caring, honoring. What about the
conflict? Certainly minimized. Do you see how you can empower your child to be who they
are and at the same time reap the benefits of a relationship that is grounded in your
emotional connection?
Do
you see how you both are winners when you honor your child’s feelings rather than
argue with them? This gift of acceptance will fuel your child’s growth and
development.
How best to honor your child’s feelings? Here are two steps to follow.
Step
one.
Let go of your agenda
for your child.
I
hope this is obvious by now. Usually, when you find yourself arguing with your
child’s feelings, there’s inevitably your own agenda clashing with your
child’s agenda. Alan’s dad wants Alan to follow in his footsteps--to play
basketball just like his father did. Allan wants to be free of his father’s
expectations, so that he can pursue what interests him. If you’re trying to force
your agenda on your child, there’s no way you can hear what’s important to him.
Be
aware of your own agendas. Keep them out of your discussions with your child. Remember the
goal of communication with your child should be the art of creating understanding, not
the act of coercive persuasion.
Step two.
Encourage your child.
I’m
not talking about being a cheerleader. I’m talking about articulating an attitude
towards your child about your child--an attitude free of judgment. Encouragement is the
foundation for trust. Encouragement creates an environment of permission. It’s the
type of permission that conveys that it’s okay to feel what you feel and be who you
are.
Are
you beginning to see the connection between encouraging your child to express their
feelings and reducing some of the discord that exists between you and your child. The key
to your child beginning to more freely express their feelings is creating an atmosphere of
permission. Not personalizing your child’s words and behaviors along with honoring
your child’s feelings is what gives your child permission to express their feelings.
The more your child is able to express their feelings, the less they’ll need to act
them out with you. By alleviating the need to act out their feelings, you’ll
experience a less conflictual relationship with your child. The more you and your child
express your feelings to each other, the stronger the emotional connection will be. That
is the ultimate payoff for all the hard work that goes into creating an emotionally safe
environment.
Expressing
feelings rather than acting them out is an important release valve. However, it’s not
realistic to believe that this skill is the solution to all conflict between you and your
child. In the next chapter, we’ll discuss an important relationship skill that will
capitalize on your ability to enter then world of your child in order to start resolving
the unresolved issues that exist between you and your child.
Bridge-Builder’s
Checklist
How to make your relationship safe for your child to express rather than act out their
feelings.
1.)
Do not withhold your feelings.
2.) Do not ridicule your
child’s feelings.
3.) Do not question your
child’s feelings.
4.) Do not judge your
child’s feelings.
5.) Do not argue with
your child’s feelings.
6.) Make time to check in
with your child.
7.) Encourage your child to
express their feelings.
8. Accept those
feelings your child expresses.
9. Help your child
understand what they’re feeling.
10. Acknowledge the risk your
child has taken in expressing his feelings to you.
Write
down in the space below how you can make it safe for your child to express his feelings
rather than act them out.
G.B.U.
Steve
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