Chapter
3
By Dr. Steve
Frisch, Psy.D.
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the Table of Contents
Buckle Up
For Safety! -
Service to a just
cause rewards the worker
with more real happiness and satisfaction
than any other venture of life.
-Carrie Chapman Catt
Bridge-Builder’s Tip
Responding rather
than reacting to your child will make your relationship emotionally safe.
I
spend my lunch time in the summer at a park near my office. While eating lunch, I watch
dogs train their owners, neighborhood kids shooting hoops, hard fought tennis matches
waged between friend and foe alike, as well as the trials and tribulations of people
trying to hit a round ball with a long stick.
After
awhile you get to know some of the regulars--moms with their kids, people from the
neighborhood taking in the sun, office workers from local businesses. One woman in
particular, Lucy, oftentimes shares her lunch hour with me. We’ve gotten to know each
other over the years through swapping stories about our lives, you know, the things that
are important to us and whatnot.
One
afternoon the subject of raising kids came up. I told her about a parenting book I was
thinking of writing. After exchanging ideas for a half-hour, she shared with me some
experiences from her childhood that had influenced the way she has raised her children.
“I’m
a lot clearer today about the things that happened in my childhood. Back then, I guess I
was too young to understand what was really happening.
“My
father left our family when I was seven. I’m sure it’s a story you’ve heard
a thousand times before. My parents were two people too immature to take care of
themselves, let alone raise a family. Dad drank too much. Mom fooled around as a way of
getting back at him. The fighting that went on between the two of them was non-stop.”
“How
horrible it must have been for you,” I said.
“I
suppose. The funny thing is, at the time, the worst part of it all was I blamed myself for
much of what happened between mom and dad.”
"You
took on all of that responsibility yourself?” I asked, not understanding how that was
possible.
“I’m
afraid I did,” Lucy replied.
“How
did things get so twisted in your head?” I wondered outloud.
“There
were so many unanswered questions. Why did my parents treat each other the way they did?
Why did my father leave us, never to return? What was wrong with me that chased my father
away? Blaming myself seemed like the most obvious answer.
“So,
I made myself the problem. I decided I was the reason my father left,” Lucy said as
she shrugged her shoulders.
"I’m
so sorry you went through all of that,” I said.
“Well,
it was hard, but nothing prepared me for what happened when I finally tried to get some
straight answers from my father. I was twelve at the time, but I remember it as if it
happened yesterday,” Lucy said.
“I
hadn’t seen my dad in about three years. For some reason he called my mom to see if
he could take me to a movie. She said it would be alright. I reluctantly went, mostly
because I wanted to find out once and for all why he had left us.”
"Wow,
that took a lot of courage, taking on your father like that!” I said.
“I
didn’t think of it that way at the time--I just needed to know. But the way things
turned out--you’re right, it took a certain amount of courage.
“Anyway,
we saw a movie and then got a bite to eat. While we were eating, I started telling him all
the things that I had bottled up inside of me.
"I
didn’t mean to upset him, I was merely trying to understand. I wanted to know why I
wasn’t worth the trouble for him to keep our family together. I needed to know
once and for all why drinking was more important to him than me. Just this once, I wanted
him to know what it felt like, all those years, wondering, never knowing or understanding.
“Growing
up, it had been so confusing. Afterall, he was my father--I loved him, but at the same
time I felt so much hurt and anger towards him.”
Lucy’s
face was contorted with pain as she continued. “All those years, all of the
confusion. I just couldn’t live anymore without knowing, without him knowing,
without him finally explaining.
“At
one point, I became so upset, my anger boiled to the surface, and I began to cry.
“I
couldn’t hold it back any longer--there was so much anger, all the resentments and
outright hatred for what he had done to our family. He had to know! I had to let him know
how screwed up I felt about it all.”
"How
well did your father take what you had to say?” I asked.
“Not
good! I knew, even as it was happening, how it was going to end. I could see how
uncomfortable he was feeling. He did everything he could to make me stop. First he tried
changing the subject. That didn’t work, so he tried to talk me out of what I was
feeling. He threw in a few corny jokes, which just made me all the more angry.
“At
one point, he had the nerve to start lashing out at me. He actually tried to turn the
tables on me. Can you imagine the nerve of that S.O.B? But I refused to back down.
Eventually, he just slumped down in his seat, threw his arms up in the air, and refused to
answer my questions. When I still persisted, he got up from the table and walked away.
That was the last time I ever saw him.”
“I
don’t know what to say,” I said.
“As
painful as that day was, at least some good came of it,” Lucy said.
“What
good could have possibly come of that disaster?” I asked.
"After
spending so many years of living in fear and self-hate, I realized that my father was the
problem, not me.”
“Thank
goodness,” I said.
“Once
I understood that my feelings were appropriate, that expressing them was appropriate, I
made a promise to myself. I promised myself that I would never do to my
children what my father did to me that day.
“I vowed never to punish my kids for expressing themselves to me. Never were they
going to have to feel unsafe expressing their feelings, never would they have to
fear being punished for telling me what was on their mind.
“Dear
ole’ dad gave me something much more important that day than some lame excuse for his
choices. He demonstrated how best to destroy any remnant of a connection that existed
between him and me.”
“So
what was the value of that?” I asked, confused by where she was going with this.
“I
realized that if I wanted my children to bond with me, to stay connected to me, they would
first have to feel safe to do so.”
"Okay.
Knowing that is one thing, doing it is something very different. What’s your
secret?” I asked
"I
stay present. If my kids know one thing about me it’s that I’m there
for them. We’ve built a bond of trust. They know that I won’t turn on
them or leave them for that matter.
"Great
theory, but how the hell do you pull it off?” I asked.
“I
guess it all boils down to one simple thing--making it safe. That’s something my
father never did for me. I never react to my children, I only respond to
them,” Lucy concluded with a look of self-satisfaction on her face.
Lucy’s
absolutely right! The first rule of thumb for creating an emotional connection is to
establish a climate of emotional safety. There’s a simple reason for doing so. An
emotionally safe connection is the gateway to your child’s soul. Without a climate of
trust and safety, there’s just no possibility of establishing that connection. No
emotional connection, no entering the world of your child. It’s that simple,
it’s that black and white.
There’s
only one way I know to create a climate of trust and safety. It’s just what Lucy
said--responding to your child’s feelings rather than reacting to them.
It’s easy to see why that’s so important. Growing up is a scary, confusing
proposition for the best of us. Your child needs someone that he can feel anchored to.
Experiencing you as emotionally safe provides the necessary grounding for your child to
trust you.
Can
you see how trust is such an important element of emotional safety? You see, it’s not
enough just to encourage your child to reach out to you, to speak what’s on his mind.
You need to demonstrate to him that no harm will come his way when he does express
himself. Interacting with your child without judging, punishing, or physically or
emotionally abandoning him is the bedrock of this tender connection. How best to
insure that your child doesn’t feel judged or abandoned? We’re right back to
where we started--responding rather than reacting. It’s an absolute
must!
Just
how do you respond rather than react to your child’s feelings? Here’s the
formula. One part encouragement, one part support. Stir gently with love and compassion.
It’s that simple! By the way, did you notice what’s not a part of this formula?
Did you notice that blame is not an active ingredient in creating an emotionally
safe relationship.
Let
me tell you about two friends of mine, Abby and Stephanie Phillips. These sisters know how
to respond to each other. Abby’s seven and Stephanie’s three. Stephanie knows
just who to reach out to and Abby knows how to respond when Stephanie does. Both
understand how good it feels to express what they’re feeling and trust that each one
will be there for the other.
While
recently baby-sitting for them, I had the opportunity to watch the two in action. It was
right around dinner time. We could hear the loud clap of thunder off in the distance. With
each crackle of lightening, Stephanie became more and more frightened. Little tear drops
welled up in her eyes as the storm moved closer. I tried to comfort her, but she would
have nothing to do with it.
Finally,
she yelled out, “Abby, Abby, I scared, I scared.”
When
Abby heard her name called, she ran down from her room to see what Stephanie was shouting
about.
When
Abby came into the living room, she walked up to Stephanie and asked, “What’s
the matter Stephie?”
Stephanie
repeated her refrain, “Abby, Abby, I scared, I scared!”
As
Abby listened, her rosy face broke into a big grin as she cooed back to Stephanie,
“It’ll be all right, Stephie, everything’s going to be all right.”
And
with that, Abby wrapped her arms around Stephanie and slowly rocked her.
While
Abby rocked her, Stephanie rested her head on Abby’s shoulder. As Abby held
Stephanie, little Stephie’s tears dried up. Her face transformed into peaceful
contentment, even though the storm raged on for the next hour.
Can
you see how Abby was emotionally present for her sister? She knew that Stephie was afraid
and so she tried to comfort her. She responded to Stephie’s fear by holding her. Abby
didn’t try to talk Stephie out of what she was feeling. Stephie wasn’t made
wrong for being frightened of the thunderstorm. I never once heard Abby tell her little
sister “to get over it.” Abby didn’t walk away from her sister or give her
the silent treatment because Stephie was being a nuisance. That’s what it takes to be
present for your child.
This
idea of responding vs. reacting can be rather abstract. Remember, at the heart of what
we’re doing here is developing specific skills. So let’s get some practice in.
You know the old saying about how practice makes perfect.
I’ve
created three separate scenarios to demonstrate the difference between reacting and
responding. Remember the formula from above for how to respond? One part encouragement,
one part support. Stir gently with love and compassion. And don’t forget, leave
out the blame. That’s what these scenarios will demonstrate for you. The first
scenario demonstrates blame; the second scenario, support; the third
scenario, encouragement.
Each
scenario has two different scripts. In the first script, you’ll see how the parent reacts
to the child and in the second script you’ll see how the parent responds to
the child. See if you can identify the ways the parent is responding and the ways the
parent is reacting to their child. If you need some help identifying specific ways a
parent responds or reacts, go to the last page of the chapter to take a look at the
checklist I put together. By the way, you’ll likely think of other strategies to add
to the list.
As
you go through each scenario, focus on how the child is made to feel in each interaction
with their parent. Think about how that would encourage or discourage a child to let their
parent into their world.
The
Blame Scenario
Script #1
“Dad,
Kyle pulled my hair again,” Sally said tearfully.
“How
stupid can you be, Sally. I tell you time and time again not to play with him anymore. Why
don’t you just listen to me.”
Script
#2
“Dad,
Kyle pulled my hair again,” Sally said tearfully.
“Honey,
I see how upset you are. Does it hurt? How can I help you learn to better get along with
Kyle?”
What’s
the difference in Dad’s behavior in script’s #1 and #2? What are the ways he
reacts to and what are the ways he responds to Sally?
How
is Sally affected by Dad’s words in script #1 and how is Sally affected by Dad’s
words in script # 2?
The Support Scenario
Script #1
“How
was school today, dear?”
"It
sucked!”
“What
do you mean it sucked? What kind of way is that to talk?” Bob’s mom asked.
“Don't
worry about how I talk? When are you going to do something about Mr. Riegel? He keeps
picking on me in class. Now he’s making me write a 500 word essay--The
Importance of Respecting My Elders. Boy talk about the work of fiction that one’s
going to be.”
"What
did you do now?” Bob’s mom asked.
“What do you mean ‘what did I do now’?” Bob shouted.
“Don’t
take that defensive tone with me young man. I’ll have you writing essays for me till
you turn eighteen if you don’t check that mouth of yours!”
“Thanks
for being there for me, Mom,” Bob spitted out.
“Please,
I’ve had a hard day myself. I don’t need your sarcasm right now,” Mom
countered.
"I
should have known better than to say anything to you. One more time you make me out to be
wrong. Why do you always assume that I did something wrong. I would love it if just
once you waited to hear my side of things before you went jumping to conclusions.”
Mom
stared at Bob for at least a minute before she said, “If that’s the way you feel
about me, perhaps you would prefer it if we didn’t speak to each other anymore.”
Satisfied
that she made her point, she left a stunned Bob standing alone in the kitchen.
Script
#2
“How
was school today, dear?”
“It
sucked!”
“It
sounds like things didn’t go well today,” Bob’s mom observed.
“Boy,
is that an understatement,” Bob said.
“Do
you want to talk about it?” Mom asked.
“Not
really. What good is talking about it going to do?”
“My,
whatever it is, it sounds awful big. Sometimes two heads can be better than one.”
“Oh,
it’s big alright. But you wouldn’t understand. You don’t know how it
is.”
“Bobby,
you’re right, I may not know how it is for you but I do know that you’re upset.
I know how that is for you when you’re hurting.”
“No
offense, Mom, but what good is that going to do me. That’s not going to solve the
problem between me and Mr. Riegel.”
“Bobby,
I don’t know how to solve the problem between the two of you. I don’t doubt that
there are things the both of you need to start acting different about. But I want you to
know that not everybody is against you. You don’t have to be as alone with this as
you make it for yourself. I’m here and I want to go through this with you, not
against you.
What’s the difference in Mom’s behavior in script’s #1 and #2? What are the
ways she reacts to and what are the ways she responds to Bob?
How
is Bob affected by Mom’s words in script #1 and how is Bob affected by Mom’s
words in script # 2?
The
Encouragement Scenario
Script #1
“Lizzie,
you’re just like your mother. Drama. Drama. Drama. Everything’s a drama with
you. Don’t you think you’re overreacting to this just a little bit?”
“Dad
this is why I never want to tell you anything. Everything’s a joke with you. You
never can pass up an opportunity to get a dig in, always with the cheap shots.
“Oh
what’s the big deal? You’re taking a driver’s test. This isn’t brain
surgery we’re talking about. All I’m trying to tell you is you’ve
practiced, you’ve studied, you’re prepared. What’s the big deal?
“I’m
not putting you down. I’m on your side. I’m in your corner. Why do you have to
get so worked up? Can’t you just relax?”
“I’m
sorry Dad if I’m not acting in a way that makes sense to you. I’m sorry if my
feelings get in your way. I’m sorry if I don’t see the humor in your cruel
comments. I’m sorry if I feel more put down than encouraged by you. Excuuuuse
me!”
Script #2
“Morning
Lizzie. Big day today!”
“Dad,
I’m so nervous, I feel like I could jump out of my skin.”
“You
don’t have to tell me, I remember what it was like for me when I took my
driver’s test. Say, I was thinking, if you want, we can take a spin around the block
to get some last minute practice in for the test.”
“What
are you saying, that I need more practice if I want to pass the test?”
“Nope,
not at all. I just thought it might calm you down a little. You already know my position
on the matter. You’ve taken your practice very seriously. When you’re out there
with me, I think you do an excellent job. I can’t think of any question that
you’re not prepared to answer. I think all that’s left to do is take the test.
Once you do that, it’ll all be over except the shouting.”
“I
don’t know if you’re just trying to butter me up or if you’re telling me
the truth, but thanks for your encouragement.”
What’s
the difference in Dad’s behavior in script’s #1 and #2? What are the ways he
reacts to and what are the ways he responds to Lizzie?
How
is Lizzie affected by Dad’s words in script #1 and how is Lizzie affected by
Dad’s words in script # 2?
There’s
no denying how important emotional safety is to the well-being of your relationship with
your child. And the best way to create a climate of safety is to respond rather than react
to your child.
Once
a climate of emotional safety has been created, the way has been paved to connect with
your child. One way to build an emotional connection is by fulfilling the emotional needs
of your child. So in the next chapter we’ll focus on the essence of what an emotional
connection is and how to use that bond to fulfill your child’s emotional needs.
Bridge-Builder’s
Checklist
Do’s and
Don’ts of Responding to Your Child
1.) Do hear your child
out.
2.) Don’t build a
case against him.
3.) Do support your
child.
4.) Don’t blame him.
5.) Do stay present with
your child.
6.) Don’t
emotionally or physically abandon him.
7.) Do acknowledge your
child’s feelings.
8.) Don’t belittle
his feelings.
9.) Do affirm your
child’s worth.
10.) Don’t devalue who he
is.
11.) Do normalize your
child’s feelings.
12.) Don’t judge his
feelings as wrong or inappropriate.
Make a list of how best to respond to your child as well as how not to react to your
child.
G.B.U.
Steve
|
Recover from
chemical dependency and its toxic impact on family members. Raise your
children to choose to be alcohol and other drugs
free. Learn how
to in Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D. Recovery book series. |
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