Chapter 2
By Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D.

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Knock, Knock!
Who’s There?

When dealing with yourself, use your head;
When dealing with your child, use kid gloves!
-Stanley Phillips

Bridge-Builder’s Tip
Entering the world of your child creates a safe emotional connection that honors the dignity of your child.

With a coffee mug in one hand, you gently shake her shoulder as you lean over and sing in her ear, “Wake-up sunshine.” Her left eye half opens, focuses on your bright smile, she grins back, and then lickety-split, disappears beneath the covers. Although the next ten minutes are spent begging, pleading, cajoling, and even threatening, this is one of the more precious moments you spend with your child.

She giggles as you tickle her feet. She takes great pride in her new found power--her ability to frustrate your every effort to get her out of bed. The way she pleads with you for just five more minutes, sure she has you wrapped around her finger, but just for now, that’s not what’s important.

This is a time where schedules and routines can be set aside for the briefest of moments. Intuitively, you understand the importance of giving yourself permission to experience one another. It’s an opportunity for her to discover how kind and gentle you can be before you don your war paint for the rest of the day. You discover her talents for negotiation in the guise of her fun and games.

Bit by bit you’re empowering this child. You’re teaching her the give and take of life. She’s learning how far is too far as she begins to test her wings. This is a child with a will. There’s an emerging Self in every thought she expresses, each act she perpetrates. And just for now, you allow yourself to celebrate this growing, evolving, loving, mischievous, impish, miracle of your life.

Her playfulness gives you permission to put your guard down long enough to go there with her. This time with her renews those parts of you that you put away so long ago. You take time to remember there’s more to life than train schedules, long commutes, work deadlines, school activities, bills, and mortgages.

These are the moments when you feel it the strongest. That connection. A bond. The spoken word, with all of its limits, can merely describe the connection, but never, ever can the spoken word capture the essence of it. There’s an unwritten understanding between you and your child that says, “No one, no thing is going to hurt you on my watch.”

Your child knows that you’re safe and because of that the world’s safe, life’s safe. It’s not that it’s taken for granted, there’s just no need to acknowledge with words what exists between you and her. This trust or faith or hollowed belief,  it’s understood by her that you accept her at her deepest being.

Do you ever get impatient with her? Sure! Does this child know how to raise the mercury on your frustration-o-meter? Of course she does! She can test you beyond the limits of a saint. Does your anger continue to raise it’s ugly head from time to time? You bet! We all have our own healing and growing up to do. But judgmental? No, that’s a corrosive to any bond and she knows she needn’t worry--it’s okay to be herself with you.

It’s in these tenderest of moments that your child does more than know the truth about you, she experiences it. You stop being the keeper of the rules and become a loving soul. During this early rise play time, in her eyes, you’re nothing more than her gentle playmate. Just for these few moments, she doesn’t see you as the keeper of the rules, but as a caring, kind partner in life.

In the midst of all of her playfulness, she senses a depth of understanding from within you that transcends the spoken word. How so? She trusts that you can leave your view of the world behind long enough, that you can step out of your skin and climb into the way she thinks and feels about life. That’s not a bond created by lectures and obedience, that’s a connection that exists between two souls.

But things change. Many transformations of this bond await the two of you. For some, the bond matures, it ripens. The feelings for each other deepen as appreciation, respect, disappointment, and other facets of any relationship get thrown into the mix. Other dynamics begin to characterize the connection as well. The need for space--“Leave me alone!” The demand for room--“hey man, I’ve got to be me.” The beginning of separating from the family--“I don’t hang out with my parents.” The struggle for autonomy--“I’m old enough to make my own decisions.” If you do the work, then these are okay things, experienced only as natural rites of passage.

Sadly, for many of you, the connection doesn’t transform, as much as it implodes. Where once there was a time when you could almost touch, taste, and feel the bond, now a shift has taken place. Before, it was so simple--a twinkle in her eye or a shared chuckle to a private joke that only you and she understood. But things happen, children grow, relationships end, life partners split-up, circumstances change, and so does the connection that you so carefully crafted.

Where once you felt like you had a death grip on the  connection, now it feels like she’s slipping through your very fingers.

Where once you felt like you were her whole world, now you feel like you’re a small piece of a very large picture.

Where once you felt like you could do no wrong in her eyes, now you search for the smallest of hints that your existence matters in the least to her.

Where once you thought you were her window to the world, so many others have begun to influence and shape who she’s becoming.

Where once you felt like you always knew what your princess was feeling and thinking, now you’re made to feel an intruder in her very private world.

Where once you saw each new day as an adventure for her to learn and become, now it seems each new experience of growth for her is one more experience of loss for you.

Where once you felt like there was give and take, now it seems as if there’s only taking, with very little giving.

But it doesn’t have to be that way. You can create a relationship that withstands the inevitable ups and downs that life serves up. You can forge a strong bond that will sustain and evolve.

It’s no secret what’s required of you to make it happen. Hard work. Heartache. Humility--there’s a big learning curve that requires you to be the student as well as the teacher. That’s the routine--the day to day ethic required of you. That’s the tension that churns within the pit of your stomach.

There’s no need to romanticize the work that goes into it. Creating an enduring emotional connection with your child is a grind. But it’s a job that can be made infinitely easier, far more enjoyable. My work with parents just like you has taught me there are only two things you need to overcome--not knowing what to do and not knowing how to do what you’re suppose to do.

But it’s well worth the effort. The payback for your investment is incalculable. There’s nothing more noble in your life than creating and maintaining this emotional connection. Nothing’s more important to your child’s well-being than nurturing it.

So just what is this thing, this emotional connection? What we’re talking about is a lifeline. This lifeline is the catalyst for the growth and development of your child as well as the means by which she can avoid the pitfalls that threaten her well-being.

Tethered safely to this lifeline, she can go off into the world to experiment with life. After all, there are choices to be considered, risks to be taken, mistakes to be made, lessons to be learned. This all needs to take place with the knowledge that there’s at least one person she can return to and not be emotionally or physically beaten up for being who she is.

This emotional connection is more than a lifeline that enables her to explore and experiment. It’s a conduit that carries the emotional sustenance she needs and craves. Acceptance. Affirmation. Commitment. Forgiveness. Involvement. Love. Personal freedom. Nurturance. Validation.  

Don’t get me wrong. It will oftentimes feel like the loneliest job, as if you’re the only one to whom this matters.  Although it may feel like she’s fighting you, more times than not, believe me, she’s desperate for this connection.

I already told you about how we’re going to cultivate this emotional connection--by entering the world of your child. It’s the process you’ll use to build a bridge between you and her. The tools used to construct this bridge? I already told you that as well--skills of understanding your child and expressing that understanding to your child. You see, when it’s all said and done, that’s what she craves the most, to be understood.

How do you enter the world of your child? It begins by you making a critical choice. First, you must choose to adopt a special attitude towards your child about your child. For you see, to enter the world of your child, you must begin to see that your child is not a problem to be solved but a person to be understood.

There are important implications for anyone who assumes such an attitude. Parenting will be less rule bound and more connection bound. Parenting will cease to be an act of dictating and become a process of encouraging. Affirming and validating will take precedence over correcting and condemning. Demanding and convincing will give way to guiding and acknowledging. Your motto will become, “Emotional safety first and foremost!”

Let me forewarn you. If you make the critical first choice I suggested above, a whole new series of choices will follow. You’ll need to choose to:

Value rather than dictate your child’s life choices.

Validate rather than nullify your child’s life experiences.

Respond rather than react to your child.

Detach from your attitudes and life experiences rather than impose them upon your child.

Empower your child to become rather than force upon them who you want them to be.

Encourage your child to create solutions rather than fix their problems.

Honor rather than ridicule your child’s thoughts and feelings.

These shifts are essential for how well you relate to your child. You know the old saying, you don’t know a person until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Entering the world of your child is a process that will enable you to do just that--walk a mile in your child’s shoes.

Here’s why it’s so important for you to learn how to walk the walk with your child--your child desperately needs your support and encouragement. Encouragement and support are essential emotional nutrients. As she begins to trust your love and support, she’ll begin to discover just how safe you can be.

Beyond walking the walk, entering the world of your child will enable you to empower her to take ownership of her actions and well-being. Imagine how she’ll benefit as you’re better able to support her efforts to boldly explore her world rather than retreat in fear.

Empowering your child is an art form. I compare it to the experience of walking on a gymnast’s balance beam. There’s an incredible balancing act that takes place. On one hand, you need to support your child’s efforts to discover how to apply their innate talents in their lives. On the other hand, it’s your job to set limits and contain her exploration when she crosses the line between what’s safe and unsafe as well as what is and isn’t age appropriate behavior.

It’s likely that from time to time there will be much about entering the world of your child that you’ll find confusing. Very little is black and white. Seldom will one rule of thumb apply to every situation. Expect it. More importantly, accept that there’s much to raising your child that’s gray and murky. However, don’t lose sight of this one very important fact. Children are very forgiving. They’ll respect you for trying, even if they don’t like what it is you’re doing.

As we conclude this chapter, let me set you straight about one more thing. Let me say this out loud from the start. Although learning how to enter the world of your child is critical to the well-being of your child, you’re not going to get it right all of the time.

Give yourself permission to experiment with these skills.   Learning how to enter the world of your child is not about how to get it right all of the time. Here’s what it is about. Not caving in to the demands of your unhappy child. Not being overly protective of your child’s natural tendency to want to test their wings. Not being discouraged and giving up. Making their world a safer place. Communicating more effectively with your child by better understanding their life experiences. Finally, what entering the world of your child is mostly about is discovering the miracle of who your child is and the joy she can bring to your life as you learn to walk hand in hand.

Bridge-Builder’s Checklist
Benefits of learning how to enter the world of your child.

1.) Create a bridge of understanding.

2.) Create an emotionally safe connection.

3.) Create an atmosphere of mutual respect.

4.) Defuse power struggles and conflict.

5.) Empower your child’s development.

6.) Enrich your child’s emotional well-being.

7.) Establish a rapport of encouragement and support.

8.) Establish an effective style of communication.

9.) Fulfill your child’s emotional needs.

10.) Protect your child from the behavioral health risks associated with growing up.

Write down in the space below how you and your child will benefit from you learning how to enter the world of your child.

G.B.U.

Steve

Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, Illinois and Northfield, Illinois. You can contact Dr. Frisch, Psy.D. at drfrisch@aliveandwellnews.com  or at (847) 604-3290. Recover from chemical dependency and its toxic impact on family members. Raise your children to choose to be alcohol and other drugs free. Learn how to in Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D. Recovery book series.