Chapter 1
By Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D.

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Closing The Barn Door Before
The Horse Gets Out -

Behold, I do not give lectures or a little charity,
When I give, I give myself.
-Walt Whitman

When you stop and think about it, this thing called parenting is a rather daunting job. The responsibility for the emotional, physical, and spiritual welfare of your child rests solely on your shoulders. Yet, you have a limited amount of  resources--financial, emotional, and logistical at your disposal. It seems that there’s never enough time and energy to give to your job, your aging parents, your growing children, and your own emotional nourishment and sanity. Divide those limited resources in half for the brave souls out there doing it all alone--being mother, father, brother, sister all rolled into one.

Yet, no matter your circumstances, no matter your ability to provide for your children, no matter your reserve of patience and love, the clock keeps ticking day after day. Time stands still for nobody. A developing child’s emotional needs never stop. The necessity for creating and maintaining an enduring emotional connection never lessens. And your concern for your child’s future never ceases to weigh heavy on your mind.

What parent doesn’t worry about the emotional well-being of their child? Who doesn’t fear the inevitable pitfalls that can lead their child’s life down a path of pain and heartache? Who hasn’t been overwhelmed by the feelings of powerlessness that envelops you when the barriers your child erects become impossible to penetrate.          

Your child, for whom you have so much hope, who’s life holds such promise, their happy-go-lucky world can transform into a lifetime of desperation punctuated by anger and alienation. Everything can change so quickly, in the blink of an eye. A wrong choice here. A spiteful act there. Your bright child can spin a web of disobedience and wrongdoing with their misjudgments and shortsighted decisions. Perhaps, all because of too much time spent looking for love in all the wrong places.

Do you have a sense of how fragile your bond to your child can be? Who isn’t forever vigilant for the symptoms of the undoing of that bond between parent and child? You see, it’s the undoing of that connection that leaves your child most vulnerable. Vulnerable to the hazards that befall a child who loses their emotional connection to their family. Vulnerable to all the harmful distractions a child escapes to when they’re searching for ways to express their hurt, confusion, and fears. Vulnerable to the influences that come to pass when your child no longer feels grounded by their relationship with you--a groundedness that enables them to talk out rather than act out their troubles.

Sadly, most of us manage to see the symptoms of the bond unraveling, in hindsight only. Initially, it can be so subtle. The drifting apart usually begins with indifference. That’s not so bad, at first. Sure indifference stings, but the emotional wall it creates is barely perceptible.

Yet before you know it, disinterest can escalate into alienation. You know how the ever-present anger and hostility can place a never ending strain on any emotional connection. The burden of the hostility can create an even greater emotional distance between you and your child--inevitably escalating into estrangement. After all, we’re dealing with the human frailties of both parent and child. Hurt and pain can only be ignored for so long.

Reacting to each other replaces responding to one another. This begins a vicious cycle of emotionally wounding one another. Sadly, ironically, the wounding and reacting is merely the best efforts of two imperfect people desperately trying to stop the free fall that has driven a wedge between child and parent. Unfortunately, this free fall becomes the basis for which your child turns away from you and your family.

And if your child disconnects, I needn’t remind you of the dangers awaiting her when she loses that oh so important emotional connection with you. It’s a virtual minefield out there. You know the potholes in the road by heart. Without the security of a safe emotional connection to you, she can easily fall prey to any number of behavioral health risks--emotional dis-ease, smoking, substance abuse, school truancy, criminal behavior, violent behavior, sexual promiscuity, unplanned pregnancy, and suicidal thoughts and behavior.

It’s no wonder from time to time all of it overwhelms you. Raising a child. Finding the right balance between protecting her and giving her the freedom to grow. Steering her clear of the many hazards of growing up can become a job bigger than you. Hopelessness can easily infect your spirit. For some parents, it’s gone beyond merely being overwhelmed. Is impotence too strong a word? Have you come to believe that nothing you do or say will make a difference?

How should someone respond who finds themself stuck in the futility of winning the attention of their child’s mind and heart? Here’s a couple of strategies that come to mind. Give in, give up, mark the days on the calendar until your child becomes somebody else’s problem. Or get mad, fight back, all the while escalating the ever widening gap that may exist between you and your child.

How about a third option. An option I endorse. How about an option where you most effectively invest your energies in your child’s development today so as to avoid having to invest your energies in the problems your child can create for herself in the future? I’m talking about an option whereby you build a special relationship with your child? A relationship grounded by an emotionally safe connection that will insure her well-being.

You see, it’s all in the relationship. It’s all in the emotional connection you create. Nurturing this tender, oftentimes fragile connection is the essence of what raising your child is all about. As you nurse along this emotional connection, not only will you create a rewarding experience for the both of you, you’ll immunize your child against many of the childhood hazards you so rightly fear.

There are special elements at the core of this relationship. Those special elements? A safe emotional connection built with your skills of understanding your child and your willingness to express that understanding. The importance of this cannot be overstated. What I’m about to tell you is a mouthful, but, it’s the essence of the work that you and I will be doing together in this book. Take your time with it. Let its meaning sink in before you get too far into the book.

Your child’s emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being is dependent on your ability to create and maintain a safe, emotional connection. The most effective way to create this emotional connection is to honor who your child is by understanding what she’s experiencing in order to most effectively fulfill the emotional needs that she is seeking to have fulfilled by your offering spirit.

How best to create the connection that’s the essence of the relationship between you and your child? There’s a very special process--I call it entering the world of your child. Entering the world of your child will enable you to cultivate a safe, loving, mutually respectful relationship. This precious bond will give your child a piece of you to take with them out into her world. Mastering the skills of this process will enable you to provide your child the emotional nutrients so necessary for her growth and development.

There are three aspects to the process of entering the world of your child. First, becoming more sensitized to what your child’s emotional needs are and how best to fulfill them. You’ll discover how to activate a source of energy that I refer to as your offering spirit and connect that spirit to your child’s seeking spirit.

Second, you’ll come to better understand the impact of your child’s life experiences and how best to communicate that understanding to your child. Effective communication with your child is dependent on your ability to create an emotionally safe atmosphere that encourages your child to be open and forthright. Equally important is expressing yourself in a way that honors your child’s dignity.

Third, learning how you can most effectively influence your child’s growth and maturation. There are very simple  skills you can apply that will empower your child to take ownership of their feelings and actions. In so doing, your child will begin to become a responsible partner in this game of life.

Most important of all, entering the world of your child is your path to becoming a proactive parent. Trust me, that’s what your child most secretly wants from you. They desperately need you to take leadership. They may rebel against it, but it’s what they need and crave at the depth of their soul.

Believe me, your child wants you to take over the reins of the relationship. You need no longer surrender to the feelings of helplessness that creep into your mindset from time to time. Fear need no longer control you. Powerlessness need no longer immobilize you! Anger need no longer create barriers. What you do and say does matter!

I’m grateful for the opportunity to share with you the  skills that will make a profound difference in you and your child’s life. Not only will you master skills that will enrich your relationship with your child, you’ll also learn much about yourself and how best to enrich your own life. For embedded in the application of the skills you’ll learn throughout this book are important life lessons. I wish you much success as you learn how to enter the world of your child. I hope that you discover what thousands of parents just like you have already learned for themselves.

You can enrich the emotional, physical, and spiritual well-being of your child.

You can develop a bond from which a loving relationship with your child can be created--a bond that honors you and bestows dignity upon your child.

You can protect your child from the behavioral health risks that any responsible parent is concerned about.

You can make a difference!

There are no more profound lessons in life to be learned!      

Bridge-Builder’s Checklist

Ways to safely enter the world of your child.

 1.) Respond rather than react to your child’s feelings.

2.) Connect your offering spirit to your child’s seeking spirit.

3.) Speak to your child’s feelings rather than their logic or beliefs.

4.) Validate your child’s feelings.

5.) Encourage your child to express their feelings rather than act them out.

6.) Resolve conflict rather than fix problems.

 As you read each chapter of the book, each step listed above will take on special meaning to you. Once you become more familiar with each step, return to this checklist to make your own list of ways you can safely enter the world of your child.

G.B.U.

Steve

Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, Illinois and Northfield, Illinois. You can contact Dr. Frisch, Psy.D. at drfrisch@aliveandwellnews.com  or at (847) 604-3290. Recover from chemical dependency and its toxic impact on family members. Raise your children to choose to be alcohol and other drugs free. Learn how to in Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D. Recovery book series.