Reclaiming Your Personal Power
Chapter 2
By Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D.

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Make Love Not War

That old law about an “eye for an eye” leaves everybody blind.
-Martin Luther King, Jr.

You know how unresolved conflict can erode your relationship’s well-being? Trapped in a cycle of arguments, debates, rationalizations, and justifications, the goodwill that once existed between you and your partner slowly but surely begins to slip through your fingers. Somehow your adeptness at debate and blame takes on more importance than your ability to love and support.

Procrastination, thoughtlessness, irresponsible behavior, even deception begin to take up more and more space in your relationship. You both agree that therein lies the problem. “If only you would do what we agreed upon...”

“If only you would be nicer to me...” “If only you would be more understanding...” “Why don’t you ever think of me?”

And so you both willingly retrace each other’s footsteps, none too happy to point out the fallacy in the other’s thinking or actions. Implied in of all this is the solution for creating a great relationship that sounds something like this, “If only you would do, act, or think differently, then I would...”  

Your partner explains, “It’s just my nature.” Or “You’re making too much of this.” Or you may have been told before, “You’re being too sensitive.”

But it feels so very much more than that to you. It feels mean-spirited, almost punitive. You can’t quite put your finger on it, but at times you know there’s much more to it than your partner’s absent-mindedness. You can’t help but think that when you talk about it, there’s more left unsaid than said.

The longer the arguments go on, the more the walls go up. Where once there was a foundation of trust and respect, now there’s only distance, if not total disconnection. Sadly, it seems that the rare times you do feel connected are the times when the two of you are fighting. Sure, nothing ever gets resolved, but at least for the tiniest of moments there’s a spark, a shred of connection.

Your friends shrug their shoulders and say, “You know, relationships are hard work.” Hey, hard work is one thing, but this relationship has begun to feel like a chore--a dreaded one at that. Where your relationship was once a port of safe harbor from everything else that life would throw your way, you now are seeking other places of refuge to escape the drudgery of your relationship. 

Once full of happiness and hope for a brighter future, you suddenly feel stuck in a quagmire of ill-will and blame. Your hope for a supportive and nourishing relationship has begun to evaporate before your eyes.

And the scary part is you feel powerless to do anything about it. You recognize the patterns because they’ve  happened before. Yet, the patterns seem to have a grip so tight you can’t escape their clutch. Spontaneity has been drained from the relationship, replaced by a rote script the two of you willingly stick to.

You know each other’s responses by heart. Resignation begins to replace the will to fight. “What’s the use, I know what she’s going to say,” or “Why bother, he’ll only get back at me in some other way if I say anything.”

It’s clear that something has to change. No longer can you easily convince yourself that it’s always the other person’s fault. Oh sure, you’re not ready to let go of the notion that things would be better if your partner would just get with the program.

Perhaps an inkling of awareness is beginning to break through--some glint of recognition that you are responsible in part for the conflict that exists in your relationships. And if that’s true, then there’s an important lesson you need to learn. Afterall, if you’ve contributed to what the relationship has become, you’re just going to keep repeating these patterns wherever you go, with whomever you are with.

The good news is there’s a process that you can learn that will enable you to begin to make molehills out of mountains. By mastering this process, you’ll discover the joy of reclaiming your personal power in all of your relationships. By using some very simple relationship skills, you’ll begin to create long lasting harmony with the people who matter most.

You don’t have to say good-bye to your dreams. Relationships no longer have to be sabotaged because you don’t know how to break out of a never ending pattern of conflict. There are very simple means available to empower yourself in lessening the amount of discord between you and your partner.

As you master these simple skills I’m about to share with you, you’ll immediately notice how much better you’ll feel about yourself and your partner. A sense of hopefulness and well-being will replace the gray cloud that hangs over your relationship. You’ll rediscover how good it feels to be with your partner. A sense of openness and freedom will begin to replace the self-protective walls that have left you feeling so  alone.

Just imagine how good it would feel to see your partner again as a friend, lover, and confidant, rather than the enemy. You need no longer fear being made wrong every time you say, think, feel, or do something. Sanity can replace what was once only hurt, anger, betrayal, and rage.  

Sound too good to be true? Don’t question any of it for even a moment. I’m going to show you some simple steps. These steps can transform many of the booby traps in your relationships. You’ll begin to see problems as opportunities to enrich your relationships by developing stronger connections with the people who matter most.

As we go through this journey together, you’ll discover an incredible vein of riches. For this is not merely a how-to book that outlines a series of techniques to mechanically apply to the conflicts in your relationships. Rather, this book will illuminate a path of personal empowerment--the means to reclaim your personal power and enrich your emotional and spiritual well-being. This path will be illuminated by the glow cast from your process of self-discovery.

As a result of reading this book, you’ll discover more about who you are. This process of self-discovery will shed light on how your unarticulated aches and pains appear in your relationships. As a voice is given to all of those unacknowledged aches and pains, you’ll discover what their true source is. And as a result of your self-discovery, you’ll develop a better awareness of the choices you have when those aches and pains begin to overwhelm you and, ultimately, the well-being of your relationships.

That’s my wish for you, that you have a menu of choices. The knowledge that you no longer have to suffer silently as your relationships become mired in a cloud of never-ending futility. Simply put, this book is a testimony to the power of healing that comes from your willingness to exercise different choices in order to resolve the discord in your relationships.

Little by little you’ll begin to see you and your partner’s behavior as something more than mere forgetfulness or thoughtlessness. You’ll begin to appreciate how often a word slipped in here, an action perpetrated there, are not mere innocent slights.

You’ll discover how your actions are embedded in a  mosaic. A mosaic that expresses the larger picture of your emotional hurt--the pain that you feel but do not express for whatever good reasons you may have.

Finally, this book is a testimony to the emancipation you can create by mastering the simple relationship skills that will transform how you and your partner work together to build a stronger relationship. Your freedom will emerge from a new found sense of empowerment born from the seeds of self-confidence and self-love. These are the seeds that will give birth to the far more fulfilling tommorows in your life.

G.B.U.

Steve

Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, Illinois and Northfield, Illinois. You can contact Dr. Frisch, Psy.D. at drfrisch@aliveandwellnews.com  or at (847) 604-3290. Recover from chemical dependency and its toxic impact on family members. Raise your children to choose to be alcohol and other drugs free. Learn how to in Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D. Recovery book series.