Chapter 5
By Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D.

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The Gatekeeper

The Gatekeeper is the part of you that manages and coordinates:

1.) How close people get to you.
2.) How close you get to people.
3.) How close you get to your Self.

The Gatekeeper is like a traffic cop. He keeps track of the comings and goings of the people in your life. The Gatekeeper is vigilant to people’s attempts to get to know you, wary of anyone’s attempt to penetrate your emotional and physical space, always trying to dope out people’s underlying agenda. The Gatekeeper’s job is to prevent people from getting too close to see you in an unguarded vulnerable state. The Gatekeeper is the quintessential con artist, master of the dodge, forever diverting a person’s attention long enough to enable you to escape anybody’s attempt to get close to you, to know you, to care about you.

The Gatekeeper is like an air traffic controller. She keeps the people in your life orbiting around you at a safe distance, on a steady course, at a comfortable (for you) altitude, at a speed that she can easily manage, always with the goal in mind of ensuring that there will never be a mid-air collision between yours and anybody else’s authentic Self.

The Gatekeeper is like a hardened union negotiator. He takes no prisoner. He offers no concessions when the people in his life make demands on him to be more present, to express more feelings, to participate more in their lives. The Gatekeeper is like the dictator of a South American Banana Republic. He’s demanding yet doesn’t suffer silently the demands of others.

And don’t lose sight of this idea either. It’s the Gatekeeper who maintains the internal disconnects that leaves you feeling alienated, estranged, and disconnected from your core Self. For as guarded as the Gatekeeper can be with other people, she’s equally adept at keeping your supporting cast members from connecting with each other as well as with your Self. All the devices the Gatekeeper uses to keep other people at arm’s length, whatever those devices may be, the Gatekeeper relies upon those very devices to prevent any one of your supporting cast members from being aware of the existence of any one of your other supporting cast members.

The Gatekeeper

Adjudicator
Arbiter
Defender
Concealor
Disconnector
Distractor
Go-between
Guardian
Hider
Insulator
Litigator
Mediator
Negotiator
Protector
Resistor
Shieldor

Anger
Annoyed
Apathy
Bad-Tempered
Detached
Disinterest
Emotional numbness
Fearful
Hostility
Irritable
Leery
Mistrustful
Sullen
Suspicious
Uneasy
Worried

Indifferent
Intolerant
Judgmental
Meek
Oppositional
Passive
Pretentious
Rebellious
Rigid
Unique-e-itis

Dangerous
Demanding
Domineering
Easily Angered
Insensitive
Intimidating
Intrusive
Invasive
Meddlesome
Menacing
Needy
Oppressive
Overbearing
Overpowering
Self-Absorbed
Self-Centered
Touchy
Uncaring

Apprehensive
Cynical
Fearful
Mistrustful
Skeptical

Confronted with
self-behaviors that
are uncomfortable
for Self to claim.
Connection to
other parts of Self.
Feeling your
feelings.
Self-esteem feels fragile.
Change in routinized
patterns of your life.
Going beyond the limits
of your zone of emotional comfort.
Loss of control over
emotions, environment, interpersonal.
New, unfamiliar situations.
Being cared for by another person.
Caring for another person.
Comparing yourself to others.
Giving power to another person to approve of or validate you.
Involvement with blaming, shaming people.
Perceived demands to take care of other(s).
Revealing yourself to another person.
Trusting another person.
Autonomy threatened.
Being found out to
be less than.
Change
Commitment
Emotional Honesty
Experiencing Pain
Exposure
Here-and-Now
Humiliation
Letting somebody
into your life
Loss of control over
emotions, self,
behavior, others.
Present Moment
Reality
Rejection
Revealing yourself
Vulnerability

Acting Out
Aggression
Abusing drugs,
alcohol, and food.
All or nothing behavior.
Blaming
Caretaking
Controlling behavior
Creating Diversions
Defocusing
Denial
Drama
Emotional detachment.
Excessive achievement
Excessive working,
sexing, exercising, spending.
Humor
Hypervigilance
Intellectualize
Judgmentalness
Obsessive worrying
Minimize
Rationalize
Relapse
Rigid boundaries
Sarcasm
Speechifying
Unavailability
Testing others
Verbal diarrhea
Willfulness

Apprehension
Anxiousness
Guardedness
Tension

N/A

G.B.U.

Steve

Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, Illinois and Northfield, Illinois. You can contact Dr. Frisch, Psy.D. at drfrisch@aliveandwellnews.com  or at (847) 604-3290. Recover from chemical dependency and its toxic impact on family members. Raise your children to choose to be alcohol and other drugs free. Learn how to in Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D. Recovery book series.