Excerpted from Chapter 6

Bridge Builder's Tip
Take responsibility for what your behavior means--not what you want others to think that it means.

 Follow this tip and watch how emotional honesty and directness will replace hedging and ambiguity. Exposure of your true-self and a feeling of vulnerability will replace managing someone’s impression of what you want them to believe about you. A heightened awareness of what your behavior means will replace ignorance about the choices you make.

I cannot tell you the numbers of time people have said to me, “Well, I do not know what I am doing.”

I want to plead with them and say, “Every last one of us knows exactly what we are doing. We have done it our whole lives. It is well rehearsed, much practiced.”

If your goal is to be responsible in your relationships, then it is time you take ownership of the missing link. The missing link is taking responsibility for what your behavior means--not what you want it to appear to mean.

Being responsible means you have the courage to come out of hiding. Being responsible means you have the courage to be seen for who you are--not for how you want to be seen. It means you are committed to giving up the crutches of rationalization and denial. It means you will trade in the tools of irresponsibility such as passive-aggressive behavior for emotional honesty, passivity for assertiveness, conflict avoidance for conflict resolution. 

There is one thing to remember when talking about the aspects of responsibility in your life, it takes time to learn these skills.

At first, many of us are overwhelmed by the awesome task of picking up the dangling bits of personal responsibility.

A woman asked for my help implementing these principles once. She looked at me and said, “It seems so hard, this idea of taking responsibility. I want to do it. But responsibility is difficult.”

We sat down to talk, but she already had a plan in mind.

She said, “I have found that the best way to reach my goal is to begin each day in a brief meditation. I say to the universe--please help me to recognize where and when I need to take responsibility for myself. Only to recognize the need, nothing more. In time, I can work on taking action. But my meditation helps me to understand. In a way, the comprehension takes away some of the fear. And without some of the fear, I can begin to change.”

The truth is, there are many wrong ways to adopt responsibility and few easy ones. But responsibility well worn is a very powerful tool.

Once you get the hang of it, taking responsibility can be an electric experience. Responsibility brings true freedom. It’s the chance to create your own life. To be conscious of responsibility is to be mindful of how you create yourself.

G.B.U.

Steve

Dr. Steve Frisch, Psy.D. is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Chicago, Illinois and Northfield, Illinois. You can contact Dr. Frisch, Psy.D. at drfrisch@aliveandwellnews.com  or at (847) 604-3290. Recover from chemical dependency as well as  its toxic impact on family members. Raise your children to choose to be alcohol and other drugs free. Learn how to in Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D. Recovery book series.