Why do I Need Help if My Wife is the One Who is An Alcoholic
Dear Dr. Steve:I recently
consulted a psychologist about my wife’s drinking. I wanted to find out what I could
do to get help for her. After politely listening to my story, the psychologist spent the
majority of the consultation telling me how I needed to go to support groups and be in
therapy myself. I feel like he was making me out to be the one with the problem rather
than my wife who has a drinking problem. What’s up with that?
Your
reaction is very understandable. Oftentimes even the most well intended
professional’s message of help can be misinterpreted as blame and judgment. But
here’s the sad truth about chemical dependency. Alcoholism and drug addiction do not
exist in a vacuum. Chemical dependency exists in the community of mankind. Alcoholism
spills over into the homes of innocent children and spouses. Drug addiction spreads its
toxic influence to all who come in contact with it—whether it be at home, in the work
place, in your place of worship, or at the community center where you spend your
recreational time.
It’s
likely that much of your emotional, physical, and psychic energy has been consumed by your
wife’s drinking—cleaning up the messes created by her drinking, shouldering more
than your fair share of the responsibility for ensuring that your children are taken care
of, covering up for your wife’s drinking, trying to manage her drinking, hiding her
bottles, emptying her secret stash—all of it is an incredible drain on your emotional
and spiritual well-being. Because of the strain that the disease of alcoholism places on
you—how it taxes your emotional, psychological, and spiritual energies—
it’s likely that the quiet, insidious ways in which your wife’s drinking has
affected you and your family members’ emotional and spiritual well-being has gone
unnoticed.
But let
me assure you of one thing, being a prisoner of alcoholism, and make no mistake about
that, you are a prisoner, takes it toll on even the hardiest of us after a while.
Hopelessness begins to warp your spirit. You begin to feel alienated from your family and
your friends as you find yourself becoming more and more isolated. The perpetual
state of helplessness you find yourself in leaves you feeling chronically enraged.
Constantly butting heads with the denial system of an alcoholic wears you down
psychologically. You begin to doubt yourself. You begin to doubt what you see. You begin
to doubt what you feel. You begin to doubt everything about yourself and your life.
But let
me be as clear as I can be about the following point. You are not crazy! You are
not the cause of the problems created by your wife’s drinking! Nonetheless,
you have been negatively affected by your wife’s drinking. Because of that,
you not only are equally in need of, you DESERVE the support and genuine concern of
other people. So it’s time for you to do something different than you’ve
done up to this point. Not because you have been going about things in the wrong way but
because you need to find a different way of coping with your wife’s drinking.
It’s time to start fighting back! But fighting back in a way that you may not
have considered to this point in time. Namely getting support for you and your family by
getting involved in Al-Anon and Alateen for your children.
You
can contact Al-Anon at:
Al-Anon
Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
1600 Corporate Landing Parkway
Virginia Beach, Va. 23454
Tel # 757-563-1600
Fax # 757-563-1655
www.al-anon.alateen.org
1-888-425-2666 for meeting information
Monday-Friday, 8am to 6 pm ET except holidays
You
can contact Alateen at Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.:
Al-Anon
Family Group Headquarters, Inc.
1600 Corporate Landing Parkway
Virginia Beach, Va. 23454
Tel # 757-563-1600
Fax # 757-563-1655
www.al-anon.alateen.org
1-888-425-2666 for meeting information
Monday-Friday, 8am to 6 pm ET except holidays
Recover
from chemical dependency and its toxic impact on family members. Raise your children to
choose to be alcohol and other drugs free. Learn how to in Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D.
Recovery book series—From Insanity to Serenity.
Pathfinder’s Checklist
1.) Acknowledge all the ways that the disease of alcoholism has negatively impacted your
emotional and spiritual well-being.
2.) Talk to supportive people about how you have been affected by alcoholism.
3.) Give yourself permission to start feeling better emotionally and spiritually, whether
or not your wife chooses to do anything about her drinking.
4.) Ask for help and support from friends, family members, your spiritual community,
support groups such as Al-Anon, Co-dependents Anonymous, and Adult Children of Alcoholics.
5. Hire the services of a qualified professional to help guide you out of the dark forest
of the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction.
G.B.U.
Steve
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