What is Meant by Loss of Control
Dear Dr. Steve:I
don’t know what to think anymore. At this point I’m so confused, I can’t
even think straight. I’m convinced that my wife is an alcoholic. Her and I go round
and round about this all the time. She tells me that I worry too much. She tells me that I
can’t point to anything that would prove that she is an alcoholic. All I can tell you
is that I know what I feel. Granted she only drinks beer and wine. I seldom see her
drinking hard liquor. And I must admit that it’s not as if she is rip roaring drunk
every day of the week. I can think of people who drink more than she does. But all I know
is that when she drinks, she’s not herself. She becomes unpredictable. I never
know what she’ll do once she starts drinking. She usually becomes offensive and
embarrasses herself. When she sobers up she’s very remorseful but she goes right
ahead and digs the same holes the next time she drinks—only to repeat the cycle of
remorse and promises of never doing it again. When we sit down to dinner who knows if
she’s going to drink a couple glasses of wine or the whole bottle. When we go on
picnics, I’ll suggest that she stop after her third beer, but she just keeps
drinking. She’s always the last one to stop drinking, long after everyone else has. I
don’t think it’s an act of defiance. I just have the sense that she can’t
make herself stop.
When
evaluating whether or not an individual is an alcoholic or drug addict, what one drinks,
how often one drinks, and how much one drinks are not as relevant as other factors. More
relevant factors include: 1.) Loss of control, 2.) Increased tolerance, 3.) Preoccupation
with using, 4.) Withdrawal symptoms when individual stops consuming alcohol and other
drugs.
What seems most relevant to your situation with your wife is loss of control. For
most individuals, the consumption of alcohol and other drugs is a voluntary act. However,
for some people, the consumption of alcohol and other drugs can cease to be a voluntary
act when their ability to control their alcohol and other drug intake becomes impaired.
Once an individual’s ability to control their alcohol and other drug intake becomes
impaired, they can no longer consistently limit how much or how often they will consume
alcohol and other drugs. As a result of their impaired ability to control their alcohol
and other drug consumption, they also are unable to control their behavior and the
resultant consequences of their behavior.
As an
individual losses control over their alcohol and other drug consumption, they become
unable to successfully:
1.) Decrease or discontinue consuming alcohol and other drugs
2.) Control when or how much alcohol and other drugs that they will consume
3.) Predict their behavior and the consequences of their behavior once they have consumed
alcohol and other drugs
Fear of
loss of control is a given. To acknowledge to oneself that they have lost control over
their consumption of alcohol and other drugs is difficult for most people. To admit to
loss of control begs even larger questions such as:
1.) “If I am not in control of my use of alcohol and other drugs, then who is?”
2.) If I can’t regain control of my use of alcohol and other drugs, then I must
accept that my addiction to alcohol and other drugs is chronic and therefore
incurable,”
3.) What does it say about who I am as a person if I can’t control my use of alcohol
and other drugs?”
To admit to have
lost control over one’s consumption of alcohol and other drugs is to admit to being
powerless. The admission of powerlessness is oftentimes equated with being weak. To admit
to being weak is to admit to being ineffectual, flawed, and perhaps morally reprehensible.
What an individual must come to understand is that the admission of loss of control means
nothing about the quality of a person’s character. Admitting to loss of control over
one’s consumption of alcohol and other drugs only means that an individual
can’t:
1.) Intend to use a specific quantity of alcohol and other drugs and not exceed that
amount
2.) Intend to use just enough to reach a desired state and not exceed that amount
3.) Intend to use for a specific time period and not exceed that time period
4.) Intend to spend only a specified amount of money on a substance and not exceed that
amount
5.) Intend to use only what is not one’s drug of choice without using their
drug of choice as well
6.) Intend to quit tomorrow, without using again anyway
Alcoholism and drug addiction are diseases that, once
established, cannot be overcome by exerting Herculean willpower in order to maintain
self-regulated, healthy use of alcohol and other drugs for extended periods of time. This
is because the disease is not solely a disease of quantity and frequency of use alcohol
and other drugs. It is a disease of loss of control. It is a disease that can not be
managed until there is an acknowledgement by the user that they have lost control of their
consumption of alcohol and other drugs. This requires that the illusion of control be
revealed as just that—an illusion. Sadly this oftentimes does not occur until the
individual is brought to their knees and the acknowledgement of illusion of control
becomes inescapable. This conclusion must be based upon accepting without reservation or
qualification that one has:
1.) Experienced a loss of control
2.) An unwillingness to control their use of alcohol and other drugs
3.) An inability to control their use of alcohol and other drugs
Learn how to prevent and recover from chemical
dependency as well as the aftereffects of chemical dependency on you and your family. Read
Dr. Frisch’s, Psy.D. series of Recovery books—From Insanity to
Serenity.
Pathfinder’s Checklist
1.) Consult with a qualified healthcare provider about alcoholism and drug
addiction
2.) Educate yourself about the disease of alcoholism and drug addiction
3.) Develop a plan to help your wife address the issues surrounding her alcohol and other
drug use
4.) Develop a plan of self-care for yourself to help you cope with the affects of your
wife’s alcohol and other drug use
5.) Contact your local chapter of Al-Anon—a support group for friends and family
members of people who abuse and are dependent on alcohol and other drugs
G.B.U.
Steve
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